A New Hope
by Kagome Juh
Summary: "I can't let you go, Erza, I just can't!" I gritted the words through my clenched teeth, looking at her again. "I couldn't hold you with me then and now I just can't let you go!" I felt desperate, hurting and incredible lost. The only thing holding me in place now was the red rose between my fingers. Its color protecting it from every frustration that I could ever feel. ONESHOT


**AN:** Oh well. My fist Jerza ever, and geez I don't know how this happened. My fist language is portuguese (brazilian's portuguese!), so please forgive me about any mistakes of spelling/gramar. I really hope that you all like it! Send me reviews voicing your opinions! :D

**Soundtrack:** A New Hope - Broken Iris

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**A New Hope**

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It was so, _so_ ironic.

Here I was _again_; year after year holding on to you in a way I did not do when we had a real chance of being together, waiting for the time that all this feelings will fade away at last – even if I know that it will never happen – and thinking of you like no time has passed at all.

It is somewhat infuriating when I think about all those years back, because I know it was my fault that we never become a couple.

When I think about all those times you looked me in the eye, screamed how foolish I was really being and kissed me with all your passion - without really letting me say anything in the matter - I almost can't stop myself from pulling all my hair out with the regret I feel. Instead of cherishing every minute of it while all those moments were happening, all that I could think of was that you deserved better. Even when you in all your beautiful glory (with your scarlet hair between my fingers, asking to be pulled by them while we kissed each other so fervently) pushed me against the wall determinate to make me see reason and stop spouting every no sense could exist in my mind… All I could think of was that I had to stop it while it wasn't too late. You could still have someone worth your existence (and I kept thinking that that someone_ just couldn't _be me) and I stopped you even when I felt myself numb with that decision.

Now - _oh_ _now_ \- I only wish that I could had been enough, that I could have accepted _your _choice in the matter.

However, even knowing all this, I didn't change at all. I was an idiot then and I am still an idiot now.

It feels nostalgic to look at you with so much distance between us, longing to feel you and to touch you but being incapable of doing so - I feel like, it being my fault or not, this situation defines all of our history together while not together at all. And yeah, I know it is confusing.

Actually, I think you knew better than everyone did how confusing it was.

"Oh Erza…" I mumbled, thinking about the confusion that I forced upon us. You didn't comprehend me, tilting your head in such a cute confusing manner, but I still felt the pressure of the feelings that tore me apart from times to times lessen a little bit. "I should have listened to you. Between the two of us, you really were the most intelligent one." I chuckled without humor, feeling the regret typical of this kind of moment grow a little more. "I don't have any news this year to tell you, as depressing as it may sounds, but I can see how the time has made you well." I said with affection, smiling weakly to you and losing myself in your image. Your youthful soul shining in every movement of your body.

Your splendid eyes always read me so well that I always found it astounding how well you could tell what I was thinking or feeling. I was an open book to you, and one of the things that hurts me more is that I never understood you as well.

"It was unfair for you, wasn't it? To have loved someone so fully and never ever seeing your beloved returning as much devotion." I voiced, pained, what my mind was conjuring, knowing perfectly well that all this self-chastisement couldn't make anything better - but doing it anyway.

I silenced myself, shutting my mind and mouth with determination. Your red hair was billowing with the breeze, and I could still feel your scent of flowers and metal in the air. You didn't say anything, never said anything. All the images that someday I had have made up in my head, about you with another man and their children playing in the guild with the others and their families, appeared without mercy in front of my eyes.

I could feel you pitying look.

"Oh it's nothing, you know it's nothing. I just couldn't fathom why you would stay alone. You are marvelous Erza, a kind of angel that I didn't want to, at the time, tarnish with my hands shadowed by the things Zeref made me do." I confessed once more, knowing how you thought about all that.

_That's rubbish and you know it. _

I almost could hear your voice, your _oh so_ strong voice calling out my stupidity once more. You did it every single time.

"I killed Simon, after all." I murmured, looking at the grass beneath my shoes with sadness. All my regrets and self-loathing never ceased to exist even after all this time. Even after so many fights with you about this stubborn side of me, I couldn't let it go.

And, laughably, there lay the irony of it all.

"I can't let you go, Erza, I just can't!" I gritted the words through my clenched teeth, looking at you again. "I couldn't hold you with me then and now I just _can't let you go_!" I felt desperate, hurting and incredible lost.

The only thing holding me in place now was what I had between my fingers.

I secured the red rose tightly, being careful to don't damage it while knowing I couldn't do anything in the likes to the flower - Its color protected it from every frustration that I could ever feel. That shade of red remembered me so much of the glorious scarlet of your hair. I could never damage it. Never.

"I loved you, I still do!" I poured all my conflicted emotions and all my regret in my voice, incapable of holding anything back. "But I can't live this way anymore! Let me at least go to you!"

A cold gust of wind targeted me energetically.

"No! You don't have a say in this, dammit!" I ignored it, feeling my eyes burning with tears. I took a step in your direction, stopping only to put one of my hands in the stone between the two of us. The freezing texture beneath my hands was making my heart jump painfully inside my chest. You looked at me with irritation and I could almost see you using your magic to intimidate me with one of those strong armors of yours. "This lifetime is over for us, Erza, why should I keep going on?" The absolute pain in my voice and words made you flinch, and then I finally looked at the grave I was holding so tightly to.

_Erza Scarlet_

_A friend, sister and daughter. _

_Always beloved. _

"It's been _decades, decades_ without you! Without knowing what to do to my life after noticing that it was better to _tarnish_ you with my hands than not have you at all!" I could feel my tears falling, I could _feel_ you with me, watching me with your _oh so marvelous_ concerned eyes. I could _smell _you. I could _sense_ you.

How could that be possible?

"Please Erza… Let me go."

I could feel the rest of me shattering with those words. I didn't want to let you go. I didn't want you to let me go either.

However, I didn't want to keep living my sixties like this. My body wasn't so young anymore, and I couldn't hold on in life like this while feeling all this pain and regret every single day.

Always returning to my most loved person at her every death anniversary.

You looked as pained as I did, shaking your head as an answer to my pleading, and then I dropped to my knees while still holding the red rose with so much affection that it only hurt more. I felt so much relief in an unreasonable way that I started laughing while still crying.

I didn't change at all.

And I would never stop hurting myself in a form of cleaning my sins.

Of _deserving you_.

"We will meet at the right time. I'll be yours and you'll be mine, like it should have been since the very beginning." My voice sounded a bit hoarse, but your ghostly image just smiled in that sided way that warmed my heart every single time you did it. "Wait a bit longer, Erza."

And then when I left once more, the only evidence that you had convinced me once again to hope was the red rose.

One more time.

To never stop hoping.


End file.
